can i get some retraining, please?

and december 10 draws closer. and i'm IGNORING the fact that it is coming. but damn sure it is.

and yesterday my phone rang & it was the pulmonary department? with a*** hospital? and is this meesus coe-lette? or something like that. my inner korean accent phonetic speller thing isn't working tonight.

and yes, it was mrs. collette.

oh and mrs. collette? your dr. referred you to us? because your chest xray? he didn't like what he saw.

um. 2#%#$^%$^#W$R?

well, yes. and we would like you to come see us tomorrow at 9:40. can you do that?

well, let me call my husband (and figure out how i'm going to rearrange yet another school day & should i leave all 3 kids here or just 2 or maybe they should all come & bring their school books but then if this is sad news i'll probably want the 1 1/2 hour trip home to compose myself and did i say @#%$@&#%^$?)

and so i called him & called them back. and then spent the rest of the day stewing in what, exactly, THIS meant. and then spent 1 1/2 hours in the car (to be fair, some of it included me sleeping) with one and littlest who were coughing their heads off. funny how I'M the one with the pulmonary clinic appointment, isn't it?

and then the hospital that might become a second home or something. or maybe at the least i should get reduced train fare/road tolls since i seem to spend a lot of time there (we won't even talk about the referral i got for littlest today for pulmonary function tests because the God-blessed coughing is back AGAIN). and a different escort & a different department & nurses who loved littlest & gave her cookies & a tangerine & a yogurt drink with a straw. and she said "kam-sa-ham-nee-da" and they all melted into little puddles all over the floor. and then a dr. who asked 40-11 questions & listened to parts of my chest i didn't know i had and then peered at xrays & said...

the xray tech saw nodules (i HATE that word now, thank-you-very-much) & didn't know what they were. but your lung sounds are good & i think that probably they are just some sort of scar tissue probably from a previous infection? so i think you are cleared for surgery. and do you have any questions?

and one and i took a deep breath & littlest asked for another cookie & then we bought a coffee & then we came home.

and, hey, a*** byeong-won? maybe you could tell your people to NOT scare the hell out of people when they call them? a simple "could you please come back for more surgical pre-screening stuff chuseyo" would have sufficed & i damn sure wouldn't have worn a hole in my belly thinking about it for 24 hours.

and if someone reading this translates korean, please let me know. i'm gonna "accidentally" drop this when i go BACK to suwon in 20 days. 20 days people. how's another 3 ulcers sound?

i think i'm tired of this place. tired of restrictions. tired of appliances i can't read instructions for. tired of not being able to buy what i need when i need it. (a hook & eye latch or whatever you call them for our laundry room & bathroom doors...a glue gun with glue sticks...because for some reason, the PX sells the gun...2 whole racks of them! but are completely out of the 1 rack allocated to the sticks. perhaps i'm expected to just slaughter my own horse. if i could even find one in this damn country). tired of not being able to understand the language...this might be a problem come december 10th when the international services department doesn't open until 1 1/2 hours after i have to be there. tired of feeling out of place because me or my spouse is not one of the few, the proud...wait...that's the marines...but i think you get the point. who knew that in a room full to bursting with people, you could feel so damn alone?

i'm tired of feeling like i don't meet expectations. like i'm not the BEST homeschooler since i'm contemplating quitting it with biggest & middlest. like i'm not the BEST christian because sometimes i'd rather go out on the town rather than stay in. like i'm not the BEST mom because i lose my temper on occasion. like i'm not the BEST wife...for reasons i won't go into.

i struggle with this everyday because i feel like there's a mask i need to wear. a different one for different people. and one day i'm going to get mixed up & put the wrong mask on at the wrong time & the whole damn circus tent is going to fall down over my head, leaving me wrapped in red & white striped canvas, arms flailing for an escape, serving only to wrap me tighter in the trap of my own making, all the while wondering if i REALLY want to make my escape because then i'll have to meet the accusing eyes of the people who came to see one version of cirque de soleil but ended up with an offshoot & now they want a refund.

i think, right now, i just want to go home. not this home away from home where, at the rate we're going, i may be until i die. or lose my ever-loving-fucking mind. home. where i'm from. where my family is. where my friends are. where i speak the language. and there are no masks.

home again, home again

it's a good thing i'm such a good blog updater. that way all (one) of y'all that read this mess know exactly what i've been up to for the past month. and a week. or something like that.

annnnnnd we're back. annnnnnd it sucks. i think i forgot how to live over here. i'm pretty sure i did. i actually knew some numbers before we left but the doctor's visit today (because OF COURSE we have to go to the doctor the day after we get back), showed me that the numbers must have vanished somewhere between korea & there. or there & korea. i still appreciated the fact that a doctor's visit plus prescription plus vitamin c's for the little sicko only cost less that $25. that, at least, made me happy.

the flight wasn't horrible. i discovered the secret to anxiety-free flying. which is all well & good until the anxiety buster wears off & the emotions it has been covering up resurface. round 2 for everyone! hurrah! littlest was bored, bored & more bored. she shared her yogurt drops with the baby in front of her, played hand tug-of-war with the lady behind her, took a couple walks & didn't eat any of the griped about & meticulously prepared gluten-and-seafood-and-fish-free meals she was given. instead, she ate a rice cracker & drank some seaweed soup. whatever. all she's been doing the past 7 1/2 weeks is eating. it had to slow down eventually.

middlest & biggest did their video game/movie/book thing. whoo hoo. they slept some. that's about it for them.

the truck drives differently-steering is tighter, brakes are more sensitive. stupid brakes still SQUEEEEEEEAAAAAALLLLL though. i would have preferred it if they didn't. i have to show an ID card to shop again. that's a little weird.

in the commissary, one aisle over was a little girl loudly yapping something. and in the split second after i thought it in my head, littlest said "that jasmine?" and i said no. and had to restrain my emotions for a minute.

i'll get over myself. school starts again, busy starts again. once i have no time left to think about it, i'll forget.

oh hell.

i TRIED to post this on the 20th. but stupid blogspot wouldn't cooperate. so here you have it...a few days late.

i finally made my way to the "old" neighborhood today. i think i had been avoiding it. a friend & a baby friend still live there & i should have been over there early the week after i got here so as to say my good byes to friend's husband who was leaving for a deployment. but jetlag & mommy brain put paid to that & with one thing and another, today was the first day i'd actually hit the neighborhood.

and the neighborhood hit me hard. i hadn't expected that being there would evoke much emotion. our life there wasn't that long & very full of work & kids & sports & things-so much so as to not seem to cause a strong attachment to home.

but somehow, driving down the road to the entrance caused pain to well up inside. and approaching the house that is still ours for all intents & purposes but will never be fully ours again as 2 families have made it their temporary home since we left, brought the pain bubbling almost to the surface. and it sat & simmered inside all the while i stayed & played with friend & baby friend.

that was the house we were supposed to stay in. to raise littlest in. to watch biggest & middlest journey off into the great wide world from. the house with the turtle room that was painted & push-pinned to death before littlest got to spend her few short months in it. the house with all our "stuff". stuff that has found new homes or been consigned to storage.

and now home is way over there. in another country. almost another world, what with all the hours we are apart from those we love.

home will probably be over there for another couple of years at least. and even after that, home still won't be home. home will be another succession of apartments separate from our lives over here. probably in at least one other country. probably with another succession of people that dart in & out of our lives with the rapidity that the military brings to things. here today, gone tomorrow.

how to not get too attached to people that form our daily lives? how to not get too attached to this place & that thing? how to ignore that tugging at the heartstrings that will occur every time we board another airplane, pace another bag, say another goodbye?

littlest has now spent 3/4 of her life in a foreign country. but to her it's not foreign. to her it is where her surprise is. where her toys are. where her dog-dog meets her at the door.

but this is home to me. and i'm trying hard to be the free-falling equivalent of a military wife. perfecting packing skills at a moment's notice. letting people into my heart while always knowing that when their time is up, i may never see them again. except to follow them on facebook or whichever social network next becomes the thing to do. forming opinions of characters at light speed-something i've never been good at doing with with months to work with. trusting people. trusting myself.

trying to keep the emotions at bay while always counting the calendar until the gate calls our name again makes it hard to enjoy the moment. anticipation makes me sluggish and wary of wasting time with the small things. i want it all & i want it big & i want it now. now before the time expires. now before the calendar runs out. now before it all runs away from me at top speed.

sometimes i wonder if i just shouldn't come home. better to stay over there in my loneliness than to skirt the pain of leaving again.

this is home. one day i'll come back. not soon enough.

continued!

see! i'm back! whoo hoo!

wednesday-everland. korean disney world-ish? more walking up & down mountains. who knew that korea isn't flat? if we didn't before, we do now! lots of rides & a huge roller coaster & lunch out of the cooler & feeding birds out of our hands & boo the monkey house was closed! probably because it was late & dinner time. baby rides & big rides & a helicycle thing that had no electricity-leg powered! which, isn't so great the day after a mountain climb. but we made it around. and we did the safari with lions & tigers & bears, oh my. and a water ride with rapids but ponchos on the boat so we didn't get much wet. except for where the water sloshed in anyway but then there were dryers at the end so you could dry off! yay korea! lots of junk food in the form of ice cream & churros. but that's what vacation is for, right? and home late at night for 1 & nallie to fall into bed as they had DMZ trip in the morning. i, however, had the day off!

(yes, yes, stay dry on the water ride! so fancy!)

thursday-nallie & 1 headed for the DMZ while i stayed home to hold down the fort. haha, get it? ok. i'm a dork. still recovering from tourist-zilla. they got up at some ridiculous hour to head for seoul to get on a bus. they said it was kind of creepy. there were some pictures. maybe i'll go someday. no kids allowed so it's been kind of difficult to get up there. possibly i could go alone since i'm all brave these days & stuff. the kids & i stayed home & hit the water park for a bit. still no stinkin baby pool. at this rate, i won't get to use it til next year! it was kinda quiet since after the water park, littlest & i came home for a nap & biggest & middlest went to hang out. and then everyone came home all at once & it got very loud. and then we all went to bed so we could get up & go again in the morning. see why i'm so tired?

(glad you two are taking this so seriously. but it does look rather like an amusement park, doesn't it?)

and finally friday. sigh. friday? already? GEEZ. friday was seoul day. we took the metro up and then climbed.another.mountain. this one was more like a hill. but sore calf & quads made it feel like a mountain. we at lunch at the base of the namsan cable car-more bibimbap except cold this time. seaweed. {{shudder}} except for that it wasn't bad. then cable car'd to the tower. same old, same old except this time with nallie! yay! went up in the tower & checked out the 360 degree view of seoul. still awesome. really? a city is THAT big? that may explain the traffic.... came down for some ice cream. the ground got mine as it jumped off the cone & onto my shirt before hitting bottom. people laughed. sigh. i got more ice cream. it was good. then onto a bus that was supposed to take us to the metro so we could go to cheongye stream-it's a riverwalk type thing. but no one listens to me & my stellar navigation skills so we ended up in an old people park where they played gate ball & some board game & slept on four wheelers. that's what i want to do when i grow up-sleep on a four wheeler in a park. then the boys found a little league park while the girls tried to figure out where the heck in street-sign-less korea we were. and of course we weren't where we meant to be. backtracked to a metro station & finally found the stream after some hot dogs & smoothies (most fruit is the english word written in hanguel. except strawberry. that is something like dalgi). walked down the stream/riverwalk and found a world refugee day thing at the end. that would feature angelina jolie that evening! or the next. we weren't quite sure. and lots of police. LOOOOOOOTTTTTTSSSS of police. geez. nallie & i decided that that night was a good night for the sauna. so we all got back on the metro & nallie & i got off at the next stop because we SWORE that's where the sauna was. except it wasn't? but it was where all the protesters were. hence the huge police presence. but apparently it wasn't an anti-american protest because then it would have been scarier. still not sure what they were protesting. wandered around and around and around the station trying to locate the missing sauna. FINALLY got talked into visiting the information desk. where the lightbulb went on! if you're looking for the DRAGON HILL SAUNA, you might want to check at the YONGSAN station (yongsan is dragon hill in korean...duh). that was nice. hopped back on the metro, found the sauna & then had some chinese food in korea-yum! nallie was all excited about "igo kogi" (no meat) cause she finally got to use it. it was good food. and then we headed for the sauna. yay! had a bath & then a scrub/massage with a helicopter moment & then checked out the whole ginormous sauna & met some lost koreans. americans showing the koreans how to sauna? huh? that was cool. found a sleeping room with some yos (flat floor mattresses) & little rectangular pillows. slept in a room full of strange women & woke up butt-crack of dawn to hop the metro again for pyeongtaek. took nallie to emart for some last minute stuff & then back on the train again. and that brings us back to the beginning of the first post.

(the only pic you'll get of the sauna. stolen from miss jet lag. did you really want to see nekkid old ladies?)

it was the fastest week ever. i miss having someone to play with. now it's back to the real world of work & laundry & summer reading books. there is something to look forward to, though. i won't get into that now. and if you already know, keep your mouth shut!

back to my real world before that baby of mine destroys something. she has just handed me a golf club & asked me to play. guess that's my hint.

banni-who tried to finish this post last night but then had to go out with 1 for father's day & then came home & fell asleep. who also thinks that while she will never be a full-fledged hiker, probably won't say no if asked to climb another mountain. once she recovers from this one, of course

fastest.week.EVER.

for realz.

so nallie was here. and by here, i mean, she was here for a week & then we rode a train for 3 1/2 hours & got to the airport & got her checked in & then she walked through the gate of no return & i rode a train back for 3 hours & i'm assuming by her facebook status update that she is finally home but apparently atlanta customs snagged her bag or something cause they are stupid. but we already knew that, being as how we are world travelers now or something. that would be one thing i DON'T miss about the states. stupidity. here things are weird or half-assed because they are & have been for 40 million years & there is no lateral thinking. there? things are stupid because they are & people are lazy & don't give a rat's ass. i don't miss it.

anyway. recap. sort of in a nutshell because who wants to read the longest post ever about someone else's vacation? hmm...maybe PEOPLE WHO NEED TO COME OVER HERE & EXPERIENCE IT FOR THEMSELVES? hint, hint aunt jo & uncle joey. and whomever else may like to see a little slice of asia. room is free, people!

saturday-train to the airport ALL BY MYSELF without getting lost. and dragged natalie out of the crush of not-round-eyes and stuck her on a bus for 3 hours to get home. and i was supposed to keep her awake on the trip as there is no time for jet lag on a 1-week-other-side-of-the-world-vaca but i kind of stink at staying awake on busses myself so i failed at that job. and then we got home. and that was saturday.

(setting myself up to get killed over posting this picture of miss jet lag 2009)

sunday-pyeongtaek market! and city busses. and lots of yuck things. but lots of cool things. and flowers and clothes and shoes and veggies and fruit and cacti and donuts and stuff. OH! and lunch at the indian restaurant which required a quick telephone translation because our waiter's english didn't quite extend to whether or not there was chicken stock in some of the food. but it was good. and spicy hot. and chai tea as usual.

(thanks to miss jet lag 2009 for the pic. i know the label is misspelled. sometimes my fingers don't work right)

monday-hwaseong fortress wall in suwon. and katusa snack bar for lunch. but not necessarily in that order. ksb was the usual. not such a fan of the korean food. ramyun & mandu will usually suffice and did monday. nallie had dulsot bibimbap (hot veggies & rice). i think she liked it. no gyeran. that wall was seriously huge. and true to tourist-zilla form, we walked all the way around it. which included 4732 steps (WITH A STROLLER, nonetheless). oy. and in the seedy part of town (apparently the wall had a hole in it? which required we walk through a market area. and a bar area. gulp.) we stopped for a drink in a convenience store. apparently the store was very convenient to the drunk korean who availed himself of nallie's butt for a minute. yikes! and then we climbed all those steps. and then climbed back down. and who freakin knew that suwon is SO BIG? geez. and convenience store snacks for dinner because it was late & please don't force me to eat korean food twice in one day. but this store had no butt grabbers. thank goodness. however, there was that one incident at the little waterfall area where i accidentally flashed some korean teenagers all in the name of a picture. and i don't mean northern flash. oops. and the picture didn't come out that good anyway! geez.

(betcha thought it was gonna be a waterfall picture, didn't you? nope. this is suwon from atop the fortress wall. way atop. that was the theme this week.)

tuesday-ahh, tuesday. and a mountain. for real. gyeryongsan national park. about an hour's drive away. yes, I DROVE. that gps is a handy little bugger, that's for sure. we hiked up a mountain. and then walked along a mountain ridge. about 1/2 mile up. the ajeema squad that we traded leads with halfway up the mountain applauded when we motioned that we were headed up. if only we knew why. at one point, we thought we had reached the peak so we sat down & had lunch. and it was pretty. and then we discovered that HAHA it wasn't the peak. there's more climbing to do! and then suddenly we were at the peak & there was this ridge. and breath-taking steps & rocks & a korean very surprised to find americans on the mountain! and a soju dance party waiting to happen (but it didn't, for us at least. boo.) on the next peak & more climbing & 6 hours & 8.2 kilometers later, we were down. and i'd never truly climbed a mountain before. apparently we are part mountain goat. that was handy. and words can't describe the top of that mountain. i've tried. they can't.

(the peak before the steps. and the korean ice cream man...only, he didn't have ice cream? only sticks? took this picture. not the best for scenery but LOOK we're on a mountain!)

and i've decided that i'll go ahead & break this into 2 posts. in case someone needs a potty break or a kid needs fed or something. i promise i'll finish this one. right now MY kid needs to go to bed. i'll be back in a bit.

just out of curiosity...

why is it, when SOME people tell you exactly what they are thinking, your feelings be damned, they are "just being honest" & you shouldn't be offended? BUT when you turn the tables & do the same thing, they get all offensive & ugly? i say turn about is fair play. apparently not everyone plays by the same rules.