jump-start

interesting where a jump-start in faith can come from. in this case, the homegoing of a child born to this earth but not meant to stay. placed here long enough to crawl into her mama & daddy's hearts and curl up in a warm ball to create a space that will be hers everlasting. they sent her off home with open hands, yet grasping fingers. knowing so adamantly that she was going to glory only imagined but desperately brokenly brutally desiring her company here on earth. they know that she'll meet them again with blind eyes open & glory emanating from a face made whole by the end that was only a beginning. but they are human. selfish, hurting, broken humans with desires of this earth. if they can love, what barriers are there to me doing the same? jump-start. out of the brilliant black hole of loss and surrender. ljr 2.11.14 - 2.15.14

shattered

happy mother's day.

would it have killed you to have said it?

we interrupt our regularly scheduled programming...

to bring you this terribly depressing post. but it's 2:30ish am, no one else is up & tears are threatening to overtake me so what to do but share with the internetz!

leaving AGAIN. sucks. made so much worse by the anticipated absence of my friend. the military said it was their time to go so they did. and i got left behind. and i have SO much to be thankful for but sometimes in the midsts of grief and anger, it is so hard to remember. i left a sister behind, in a country where she is alone and sometimes happy. but i fear the loneliness weighs on her. and i am sad. i am leaving my family behind-blood and not. and new lives are forming while others are slowly coming to a close. and while i am overjoyed to see my husband and my kiddos, 5 faces that i have grown to love will be missing from the scenery. and the beginning of another period of loneliness threatens to eat me alive.

i know this is what we have to do. i know this is what God has put before us. but my human self is oh so doubtful of the plans He has for us. my heart aches. and the tears have begun to spill.

fake

today i have been called, by implication, not a "real" mother or a "real" teacher.

i'm trying not to get too bent out of shape. one comment was by a teenager & the other by someone who spends quite a bit of time with his foot in his mouth.

but both of them are extremely close to me. and my feelings are hurt. not beyond repair. but still enough to make my eyes well up.

i think i'm tired of this place. tired of restrictions. tired of appliances i can't read instructions for. tired of not being able to buy what i need when i need it. (a hook & eye latch or whatever you call them for our laundry room & bathroom doors...a glue gun with glue sticks...because for some reason, the PX sells the gun...2 whole racks of them! but are completely out of the 1 rack allocated to the sticks. perhaps i'm expected to just slaughter my own horse. if i could even find one in this damn country). tired of not being able to understand the language...this might be a problem come december 10th when the international services department doesn't open until 1 1/2 hours after i have to be there. tired of feeling out of place because me or my spouse is not one of the few, the proud...wait...that's the marines...but i think you get the point. who knew that in a room full to bursting with people, you could feel so damn alone?

i'm tired of feeling like i don't meet expectations. like i'm not the BEST homeschooler since i'm contemplating quitting it with biggest & middlest. like i'm not the BEST christian because sometimes i'd rather go out on the town rather than stay in. like i'm not the BEST mom because i lose my temper on occasion. like i'm not the BEST wife...for reasons i won't go into.

i struggle with this everyday because i feel like there's a mask i need to wear. a different one for different people. and one day i'm going to get mixed up & put the wrong mask on at the wrong time & the whole damn circus tent is going to fall down over my head, leaving me wrapped in red & white striped canvas, arms flailing for an escape, serving only to wrap me tighter in the trap of my own making, all the while wondering if i REALLY want to make my escape because then i'll have to meet the accusing eyes of the people who came to see one version of cirque de soleil but ended up with an offshoot & now they want a refund.

i think, right now, i just want to go home. not this home away from home where, at the rate we're going, i may be until i die. or lose my ever-loving-fucking mind. home. where i'm from. where my family is. where my friends are. where i speak the language. and there are no masks.

my heart hurts

**posted to both blogs as i couldn't figure out where it belongs**

littlest was born with no fingers on her left hand. she has what they call posts for thumb and pinkie finger. she has some grasping ability and we work with her to improve that. sometimes we notice and sometimes we don't but she is perfect and ours either way. we wouldn't change her for the world.

i belong to a birthday club on a baby board. we are a bunch of women who all were due with babies in march 2007. several ladies are onto their next pregnancies & are due in december. they have notified me that there is a lady on their board who is due with twins. they just found out that they are girls. and at the same time, they were unable to find a left hand on one of the girls. i will most likely never meet this woman but i have read her post. my heart broke for her as i read because it seemed to mirror my first post about littlest's hand. she posts that she is devastated. her dream is broken because of what they saw on that ultrasound. and she is worried about many things in the future. i have provided my contact information for her to use if she wishes. i know her pain. i know that darkness. i wanted to close down, curl up & leave it all behind. but, like her, i have other children. i had to keep pushing through the anger and the questions and the hurt and keep living my life-the whole while dreading what was to come. 1 was there for me when i cried. he pushed his pain aside for me. he told most people our news when i couldn't find it in myself to do so. i dearly hope this lady has someone there with her to help wade through the pain.

i want to tell her that, while it seems so dark now, dawn is coming. that she will notice for the first moment of seeing her brand new daughter. but that that will be the last time it matters. we are both lucky-we knew ahead of time and had time to prepare ourselves. i'm not sure how i would have coped with it to find out in the delivery room for the first time. we made our peace with it before we had to deal with it first hand. i hope she can too. and then that little baby will just amaze and delight her family and everyone else she comes across. that that baby comes with a bit more of a learning curve that most. but they will adjust. her mama and daddy will teach themselves how to tie shoes one handed in preparation for that lesson. they will learn that she can cradle a snack cup with her left arm and use her right hand to pick out her favorite treats. that she will surprise them as she slides off a chair and catches herself on the edge of the table, to dangle for a moment until she is rescued. they will discover that it is easier to walk a one-handed toddler around a store because while the one hand is being held, it is more difficult for the other to snag things off of shelves.

while they are now concentrating on the things that can't be done, they will learn to look for the things that can. she has 5 other fingers just right for wearing rings. there are any number of sports that can be done one handed. musical instruments abound that only require one hand. it takes a little more effort than what anyone expects but it is all so worth it when the little victories occur. some people won't even notice that that baby is different. the inevitable cruelty will occur and they will have to steel themselves for it, as am i. but i seriously believe that it will occur much less than we are expecting. these babies will teach us lessons about our own selves and our expectations and shortcomings. they'll move mountains...and they will do it one-handed. and i want to tell this woman this. to let her know that she is not alone. that i've been there, done that. that i'm wearing her shoes.

who would have known 2 years ago when i found out that maybe, just maybe, i could use that pain to lead someone else, if not out of, at least to the brink of their pain so that they could see the sunlight again and regain their joy and anticipation. everything happens for a reason. this baby has been given to them for a reason. i hope they can realize that. i hope i can help them. i hope they can use this lesson to help someone else. i hope i can learn more about them because i can't wait to see how blessed they are with this gift.