jump-start

interesting where a jump-start in faith can come from. in this case, the homegoing of a child born to this earth but not meant to stay. placed here long enough to crawl into her mama & daddy's hearts and curl up in a warm ball to create a space that will be hers everlasting. they sent her off home with open hands, yet grasping fingers. knowing so adamantly that she was going to glory only imagined but desperately brokenly brutally desiring her company here on earth. they know that she'll meet them again with blind eyes open & glory emanating from a face made whole by the end that was only a beginning. but they are human. selfish, hurting, broken humans with desires of this earth. if they can love, what barriers are there to me doing the same? jump-start. out of the brilliant black hole of loss and surrender. ljr 2.11.14 - 2.15.14

and the cloud lifts...

i had gotten really close to the bottom. not like rock bottom where the druggies & such hang out but the bottom. feeling so low about lonely and homesick and way too much interaction with adolescents & toddlers and nowhere near enough with adults.

everything was suffering. NOT that i'm the nicest person in the world but whoa was i worse than usual. school wasn't getting the attention it needed-that is so bad for so many reasons. 1 probably wasn't feeling very loved around here. the house probably wasn't feeling very loved around here. i don't think anyone was feeling very loved around here. i just didn't much care about all that because i couldn't see around the black cloud that enveloped me in all ways.

and then i did that naked thing. (i'm not an elephant-see previous post). and had a good meeting with ladies who are of like-mind to me. (where someone prayed & thanked God for me as i have brought encouragement. me? encouraging? well, that's different!) and then went out & found a new restaurant. (is it ironic that i had NEVER had thai or indian food before i came to korea? i mean, wtf? guess when i get out of the box, i get out of the box!) and then had dinner with more lady friends where there was grown up conversation & laughter &, while there were kids in attendance, they weren't my kids so i wasn't the one putting kids back in seats & asking 7300 times about what they wanted to eat & reminding them to chew with their mouth shut & not poke their sister.

and i took a deep breath. and decided that maybe this place isn't so bad after all. and maybe there really is a reason i'm meant to be here. and that sometimes it is ok to let my guard down & put myself out there because not everyone is ugly. and that if sometimes i give it a chance, good things can happen. and it took me a year to become semi-satisfied with my current chapter but i think now i am. and now i can get back to a rhythm of life where everything isn't hopeless & cloudy & gray. and now everyone can have me back-me included. i've been in the hole before but last time it took some assistance to claw myself out. seems this time i've been able to do it on my own. maybe not quite on my own...let's say that i may have finally-after 32 years-discovered the power of prayer. and that i'm not ever truly alone. it took so long to get here...i think i'll stay for awhile.

just wow.

my heart hurts

**posted to both blogs as i couldn't figure out where it belongs**

littlest was born with no fingers on her left hand. she has what they call posts for thumb and pinkie finger. she has some grasping ability and we work with her to improve that. sometimes we notice and sometimes we don't but she is perfect and ours either way. we wouldn't change her for the world.

i belong to a birthday club on a baby board. we are a bunch of women who all were due with babies in march 2007. several ladies are onto their next pregnancies & are due in december. they have notified me that there is a lady on their board who is due with twins. they just found out that they are girls. and at the same time, they were unable to find a left hand on one of the girls. i will most likely never meet this woman but i have read her post. my heart broke for her as i read because it seemed to mirror my first post about littlest's hand. she posts that she is devastated. her dream is broken because of what they saw on that ultrasound. and she is worried about many things in the future. i have provided my contact information for her to use if she wishes. i know her pain. i know that darkness. i wanted to close down, curl up & leave it all behind. but, like her, i have other children. i had to keep pushing through the anger and the questions and the hurt and keep living my life-the whole while dreading what was to come. 1 was there for me when i cried. he pushed his pain aside for me. he told most people our news when i couldn't find it in myself to do so. i dearly hope this lady has someone there with her to help wade through the pain.

i want to tell her that, while it seems so dark now, dawn is coming. that she will notice for the first moment of seeing her brand new daughter. but that that will be the last time it matters. we are both lucky-we knew ahead of time and had time to prepare ourselves. i'm not sure how i would have coped with it to find out in the delivery room for the first time. we made our peace with it before we had to deal with it first hand. i hope she can too. and then that little baby will just amaze and delight her family and everyone else she comes across. that that baby comes with a bit more of a learning curve that most. but they will adjust. her mama and daddy will teach themselves how to tie shoes one handed in preparation for that lesson. they will learn that she can cradle a snack cup with her left arm and use her right hand to pick out her favorite treats. that she will surprise them as she slides off a chair and catches herself on the edge of the table, to dangle for a moment until she is rescued. they will discover that it is easier to walk a one-handed toddler around a store because while the one hand is being held, it is more difficult for the other to snag things off of shelves.

while they are now concentrating on the things that can't be done, they will learn to look for the things that can. she has 5 other fingers just right for wearing rings. there are any number of sports that can be done one handed. musical instruments abound that only require one hand. it takes a little more effort than what anyone expects but it is all so worth it when the little victories occur. some people won't even notice that that baby is different. the inevitable cruelty will occur and they will have to steel themselves for it, as am i. but i seriously believe that it will occur much less than we are expecting. these babies will teach us lessons about our own selves and our expectations and shortcomings. they'll move mountains...and they will do it one-handed. and i want to tell this woman this. to let her know that she is not alone. that i've been there, done that. that i'm wearing her shoes.

who would have known 2 years ago when i found out that maybe, just maybe, i could use that pain to lead someone else, if not out of, at least to the brink of their pain so that they could see the sunlight again and regain their joy and anticipation. everything happens for a reason. this baby has been given to them for a reason. i hope they can realize that. i hope i can help them. i hope they can use this lesson to help someone else. i hope i can learn more about them because i can't wait to see how blessed they are with this gift.