shattered

happy mother's day.

would it have killed you to have said it?

efforts concentrated elsewhere

cause more stuff is going on over here than i can keep up with. so i'm not going to kill this blog off, exactly, just put it on an official hiatus (as opposed to unofficial?) for the time being. you can find me over there if you want me!

bad things come in 47s or something like that

what the crap, thursday? i mean SERIOUSLY.

so i woke up this morning. cause middlest wanted her hair straightened for cheerleading pictures. annnnnd no one else was up. yes, someone's alarm was playing music LOUD enough for the alarm to wake up the neighbors but no one in our house was awake. so i turned on lights & wiggled beds & such & everyone got up & started running. never a good way to start the day.

and littlest was a crabby patty about doing school. for some reason, the baby doll needed to come to school today. no she doesn't. yes she does. baby got grounded to the other side of the table. and littlest was still a crab.

and then i cleaned the living room floors. more on that later. just remember it.

and then i decided to go dye my hair. littlest was playing outside & had been out there happy for hours. HOURS i tell ya. so forgive me if i thought it was a good idea to sneak upstairs for a few minutes to attend to something for MYSELF for a change.

because then all hell broke loose. -ish. hair dye EVERYWHERE because for some reason i think it's a good idea to try different kinds. and none of them are the same consistency. and this one was the consistency of...oh, koolaid. heh. that was fun. and then comes littlest whining up the stairs. apparently the road had bitten her little knees & her little friend doctored her up but apparently the band-aids little friend used weren't up to littlest's standards. so she needed new ones. i pleaded with her to give me a few minutes so i wouldn't shed hair dye all over the house. she was content.

and then she was thirsty. and went downstairs after water. and apparently climbed up on the counter & helped herself to bandaids. and it really just occurred to me but i guess she threw the wrappers away because i haven't seen them lying around anywhere? hmm. good job. and then i discovered she'd been gone for awhile & went looking for her & met her on the steps & holy hannah! WHAT IS ALL OVER YOUR FACE? of course it was blood. of course. guess she joins her daddy & her bubba with the delightful nosebleeds. but then it was time to rinse the hair dye out before it ate my hair into nothingness. so here's a massive wad of toilet paper & please sit down before blood gets on more stuff than just your shirt & skirt & chest & face. and finally it stopped & the hair dye was rinsed out & back outside she went to play again.

and THEN i discovered that that little jackass baby weiner decided to pee all over my newly cleaned living room floor. and then not much later, he pooped on it. after being fine all stinkin day, he waited until the floor was clean.

and to top it all off, 1 was snappy for no reason. at least what i considered no reason. and apparently decided that spending the evening playing video games while the world spun on around him with cleaning & things was a good plan. not today, buddy. not today.

almost TGIF. but then another whirlwind weekend. but maybe next thursday will be better. but probably not since dear korea gives us a middle of the week holiday that the big kids get off of school. so thursday will be another monday.

who thinks i will lose my mind sometime in the next 19 years? cause, yeah, that's what i'm looking at, in case anyone missed that bulletin.


***oh, and p.s., more stuff than this went on today. in case you thought i had no right to gripe since my day seemed relatively empty if you were comparing catastrophes to hours. BUT IT WASN'T. the aforementioned events were the highlights.

also. does anyone else find it amusing that i posted something on my facebook referring to a group of people that are just exasperating as all get out & one of the group members responded to the post? clueless, i tell ya. just clueless. but i guess that's the way it is when you think you run the world. once you get yourself up there so high on the pedestal, i guess it's pretty hard to see what's going on down below. morons.

click, click, clique?

poor little neglected blog. sigh. i keep vowing to turn over a new leaf but every time i do, that little jackass flips right back over on me & i don't notice for about 2 months & then hey! yet another neglected blog post! shameful. just shameful.

so i quit the homeschool group. (travelling circus, stop reading NOW...you're already heard it.)

it was a great group when it started. many different people, many different views, but all meshing together nicely. and plans were emailed & everyone knew what was up. AND THEN THE GREAT PCS EXODUS OCCURRED.

and the group changed hands and whee hoo, yippity yahoo, it all went to crap. for me at least. i'm sure everyone else is happy with it. cause they're a part of the CLIQUE. and i'm not. so poo on them.

i was always the awkward kid. the nerd kid. the funny-looking kid. the doesn't fit in with the "in" crowd kid. and i wasn't the kid that took it gracefully and went about with my other nerd friends, my other awkward, funny-looking friends. i was one who tried to fit in. and by doing so, probably signed my death warrant as the nerd kid who will NEVER fit in. i didn't have the right clothes or the right hair or the right attitude. or the right overly-permissive parents. i didn't have any of what THEY had. not that i care at this point. but back then it was hard. and it seeped into me and now it infuriates me when it happens again. because my 4th-9th grade self creeps out and pouts in the corner while the cool kids flounce around in their name brand clothes.

and that's where the homeschool group went wrong for me. i get that i'm not exactly part of the in crowd with my not-army family and my kids too big or too little to fit in with the mean age of the group. and i don't get all the acronyms and i don't feel the deployment pain and my life isn't totally bound by the rules & regs of uncle sam. but i'm here, with you, away from home, away from any co-op, looking for support in the jungle that is korea. BWAHAHA. shame on me for expecting it.

getting left out of the planning once is one thing. being informed at the last minute about a time change for someone who didn't even bother to attend the event-fine. we'll let it slide. eff me once..shame on you.

but for it to happen again. and for no one to deign to call me, email me, FB me for heaven's sake. for me to have to call around & sort things out from afar, eff me twice...shame on me.

i don't need it. i dno't need the aggravation. i don't need the competitiveness. i don't need the rearing of my childhood's ugly head once a month. i don't NEED it.

so have at it. with your meetings and your cookouts and your field trips. i'll continue on as before except this time without digging up aggravation meant to have been buried 20 years ago.

and if anyone reading this ever catches me acting like the ass i'm accusing these other catty women to be, please do slap me. heaven forbid i ever be an accessory to making someone feel as unworthy as anyone has ever done to me.

we interrupt our regularly scheduled programming...

to bring you this terribly depressing post. but it's 2:30ish am, no one else is up & tears are threatening to overtake me so what to do but share with the internetz!

leaving AGAIN. sucks. made so much worse by the anticipated absence of my friend. the military said it was their time to go so they did. and i got left behind. and i have SO much to be thankful for but sometimes in the midsts of grief and anger, it is so hard to remember. i left a sister behind, in a country where she is alone and sometimes happy. but i fear the loneliness weighs on her. and i am sad. i am leaving my family behind-blood and not. and new lives are forming while others are slowly coming to a close. and while i am overjoyed to see my husband and my kiddos, 5 faces that i have grown to love will be missing from the scenery. and the beginning of another period of loneliness threatens to eat me alive.

i know this is what we have to do. i know this is what God has put before us. but my human self is oh so doubtful of the plans He has for us. my heart aches. and the tears have begun to spill.

belize! - day four

so thursday. thursday wasn't much exciting. the usual feed birds, feed us, internet, feed us, feed birds, internet, dinner, internet, coladas, canasta routine. **i forgot about frappes! 2 different flavors of ice cream, frozen coffee, chocolate syrup, sprinkles, whipped cream. not much sleep for the night due to caffeine overload. but oh so good!** friday will be much better...ATM Caves is on the calendar! so instead i'll just expound on belize itself.

it's gorgeous here. and wide open. i've already said it once but this is just such a welcome change from crushed in korea of the gray/yellow/green skies depending upon what crap is in the air that day. so much space to raise children & let them run. as a child, i grew up in the country with plenty of room for running. and oh did i hate it. we were too far out from everything & it was miserable. but i see the logic of it now. perhaps at some point i'll have a yard for running. although by that point i don't think i'll have any little enough to enjoy it.

it is dirty here. in the towns. people are litter bugs & there is dust & dirt everywhere. probably wouldn't work for my family of allergy fiends. claritin has worked for me while i've been here but my allergies are basic compared to 1 and littlest. mold & mildew flourish in this tropical atmosphere.

the heat is cloying and oppressive. humidity sits on us like heavy blankets. air conditioning is essentially unheard of. although the atm chamber at the bank has AC. you also have to slide your card to get in. i guess they don't want to pass out AC for free. i've been sweating since i got here. i'm growing accustomed to sweat running down my back & my front. and i seriously appreciate the shower at the end of the day. and cold water splashed on my face in the interim. nothing beats it.

bugs bite frequently. deet is nasty stuff but keeps the ticks & squitoes away. there's a strange bite on my foot-right in the perfect position to be irritated by my tennis & hiking shoes. finally got smart enough to put coconut oil on it last night & the itchiness has subsided immensely. haven't spotted any ticks on my self yet but sister has found a few. no clue if there is lyme disease carried around here or not. probably, as everything else seems to be.

there is poverty here. education is privatized & very expensive, which i gather leaves quite a few people out in the cold. reasonably certain the 2 night-time security guards here cannot read. it's sad, really. but it is a developing country so perhaps at some point things will be better & there will be more hope.

there is a mishmash of people here. many of the groceries are chinese. there was honey at the market with a german's name on it as the bottler. many american ex-pats everywhere. and the belizeans are black and brown. mayan ancestry shows in high cheekbones & foreheads. mennonites & amish walk the streets in long sleeves, long pants, straw hats. the only woman i've seen had on long sleeves & a black bonnet. i didn't see her lower half but i assume it was clad in a skirt.

when we entertained the idea of south korea, people said "why korea?" and i got quite a few "why belize?" when i entertained the idea of vacation. people should stop asking why & just do what they can do. once in a lifetime opportunities should not be passed up. fear should not keep people chained to their couches, cowering from what the world holds. americans in particular seem to stay walled in by fear and trepidation. been there, was that. it took me (thirty-something) years to venture out of my bubble. don't wait too long...life has a habit of passing us by.

belize! - day three

so...wednesday. things are possibly starting to run together due to 1-the lack of watch or cell phone with the time on it & 2-the nightly pina colada ritual. i figure i'll be back to the real world soon enough & will have enough time checking then that i shouldn't worry about it right now. so long as the birdies get fed at 8 & 3, we're good.

wake up, feed the birds (what time?...just making sure you're paying attention). head off to the market & post office. things are SO inexpensive here! we got what would probably have been about $60 worth of produce in the US or the commissary for about $15. amazing. fruit & veggies for the birdies. we then hauled it all home & made parrot salad. it involved large knives & cutting boards & a steamer. easy, mind-numbing work. chop, chop, chop. gracie took some pictures. that alleviated some of the numbness. for about 20 seconds. then back to work.

wednesday was also mouse cage cleaning day. (i think that actually happened BEFORE marketing. but like i said, it's all running together.) it is usually mondays but since SOMEONE had the audacity to disrupt the schedule with an airport arrival on monday, mouse cleaning got moved to wednesday. know how you move mice from cage to cage without getting bit? pick them up by their tails! there's a fantastic picture on facebook with me in my mask. CASA has its own mouse colony for when there are raptors in residence-no running off to the pet store or field here! just head for the mouse room! there are about 10 grown or juvenile mice & then about 10 babies of 2 different litters so varying ages. mice-meh. can't get real excited about them.

then it was lunch time & then a little later feed the birds (again) time & then we got to jump in the (air-conditioned HALLELUJAH!) peregrine fund truck to see some orange-breasted falcons. took a LONNNNNNNG ride on bumpy roads to a mountain. found what may have been some slash & burn farming right near where we parked the truck. that was quite mood-dampening. then followed long-legged & fast-walking yeray UP the mountain to a sink hole void of falcons. continued (puff, puff, gasp, wheeze) following him to another hole with a female on a nest with 3 eggs. he had a fancy-schmancy scope he let us look through. it's so amazing to me that these birds nest on the walls of cliffs. she was a pretty thing & we saw her move around a bit which was interesting. the going back down was much easier than going back up. natalie, of the not-as-long-fast-legs led the way. i was in the middle & felt as if i were going to be run over at any minute. we all made it back down safely & got back on the crazy bumpy road back home.

ate serendib for dinner...sri lankan food in belize? of course! i mean, i had to go to korea to try indian & thai, why not come to belize for sri lankan? it was pretty good. nice & spicy. didn't care much for the dessert-wattalapan, i think. it was advertised as coconut custard but seemed more like pumpkin pie. pumpkin, in my book, is nasty. no thanks. i tried to like it but just couldn't.

after sri lankan, headed back home for more canasta & coladas. we were hoping for tamarind daiquiris but there seemed to be a shortage of tamarind juice that night, so we stuck with old faithful. and it was just fine.