Friday, March 27, 2009

happy birthday, baby

thoughts, ramblings and mourning on the other blog-here-if you're so inclined.

Friday, March 20, 2009

me or them?

so, someone posted a few weeks ago that her bloggy buddies weren't holding up their ends of the bargain. where was her reading material? didn't we know that she needed something to do at work? (not trying to pick on you here, B, just that i've been thinking about this for awhile & your post helped spur it on).

it's nice to be needed. really, it is. but during this long, ridiculously cold, ridiculously sick winter, most of my fodder for blogging has gone out the window. it's hard to come up with new stuff when you get to eyeball the same walls everyday. and visit the doctor i don't know how many times in how many weeks (including the hospital visit we threw in there for kicks) to get yet another nebulizer treatment & some medicine you aren't sure you know what it is or, for that matter, agree with.

and so, the muse is reduced to analyzing the everyday minutiae of life. the stuff of psychiatry journals & parenting magazines. and even that presents a roadblock. which brings me to my point (3 paragraphs later cause hell, yeah, that's what i do best!)

why do people blog? is it SUPPOSED to be for the blogosphere? to make sure they have something to do at work? to make sure they have something waiting for them when they open up their readers or just type in your address? i can't count how many times i have read blogs stating that it drives them crazy when people don't blog regularly. that they will cancel their subscriptions or just flat out refuse to visit the URL anymore if there isn't something waiting for them daily.

i guess that is the guilt method? to guilt people into posting? cause, yeah, that totally works for me! i have a reader with Lord-only-knows how many blogs on it. lost of people are faithful, some aren't. it doesn't ruin my day if someone goes missing for a week. it wasn't any extra effort on my part to not see their name on the list. don't read me the wrong way, i wouldn't wish anything to happen to anyone. but life sometimes gets in the way (see my last post & some before that) & sometimes you are too busy cleaning up puke or playing phone tag with the insurance company or pulling the 2-year-old off the ceiling fan or attempting to maybe-not-so-gently push your teenagers into being viable, sensible, friendly human beings to remember to post about the puke, insurance, ceiling fan flier or surly offspring. i get it. i do all of that and more on a daily basis. it's cool. i'll let you slide-no worries. i'll see you around again.

the thing that gets me is that i thought that blogging was a way to blow off steam. some bloggers have important info to share. but lots are just, like i said, posting daily minutiae for the world to read. maybe so we can know that we aren't alone sometimes? maybe so that they can blow off steam and, by typing it out and sharing it, get most of the weight off their chests. because we all know that a sorrow shared is a sorrow divided.

i guess i didn't realize that someone's world would come to an end if i didn't post a little blurb every day of my life. i thought i'd start this & hit it up everytime i had something neat to share or silly to recount. i think that the bloggy greed is another symptom of the world gone mad. feed me, seymour. heaven forbid we rest on our eternally busy tail ends for a time without adding our two cents to the teeming world of internet. we might upset someone's daily balance. forget about our own.

and one final point? i may have sorted out yet another reason for my disinterest lately. posting on here is something of a therapy session for me. where i can bitch about things that have long since ceased interesting 1. where i can put it down on "paper", if you will, which has always helped me work out the details in the past. but it seems i have been located in internet anonymity by more people than i was interested in having know my innermost turmoil. and that kind of turns me off. no longer can i use this therapy session to the best of my ability, for fear that it will come back to bite me in the ass. not interested in all that, thank you very much.

and yes, thank you, i know that i can privatize. i could go to the other blog & selectively privatize posts. i could start yet another blog & leave that one in the black hole where no one could find it or me. and those options really piss me off. i've about had it with this garbage of watching what i say for fear that someone may twist & turn it to suit their own purposes & use my words, my thoughts, my observations & interpretations to shit on someone else just because of some sort of something that i have nothing to do with. i mean, hell, if you can't tell your blog, who can you tell?

see ya in another few weeks. unless something breaks before then.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

slacker (again)

i just haven't had the energy to get on here & impress everyone with my scintilating wit & biting sarcasm. several things have happened in the lives of people i'm close to that have sucked up all my time, thought processes & energy. i feel like i'm needed in two places at once for different people and different reasons and i can't figure out how to spread myself between that, the family and school.

i feel as if the world is imploding around me and thank Heaven that mine seems to be, at the moment, shakily stable. and then i feel guilty because what right do i have to have a stable world in the face of all this other pain and need?

i think my girls will be ok. one seems to have a plan that is exciting her more and more each day. the other will cope, as she always does. strong, that one is. and i think there is someone in her life who can draw her out of herself like no one else ever has been able to.

but that won't stop me from worrying about them both. and wanting to sacrifice myself-my sleep, my sanity, my fantastic story-telling skills-to try to plan anything, everything, all things to make their worlds right again. i can't take back what has gone before. i so desperately want to pick up the pieces, turn back time, re-erect the towers that fell but i can't. for one, i can't even hold her hand or rub her back or let her sleep like i so desperately want to. it is driving me MAD.

B-i love you. i hurt for you. i'm glad G is there to do all the things i wish i could.
G-i hate that this happened to you. i'll be mad if you want me to. barring that, i'll be available for therapy whenever you need.

and for other people who will remain nameless for various reasons...i hope things can straighten out. i don't know that there is much else i can say.