firsts and lasts

 i.am.tired.

"meet season" for two different sports has me worn and weary.

perspective change.

today was the last day i have to drive to tuesday wrestling practice with a "rookie" wrestler.  next season will bring only open brackets.  and he'll be 13.  what.

today was the first day that she "caught" her pak with her chest.  oh dear.  that might mean a bars scratch this weekend.  but so what, who cares?  plenty more bars to swing.  plus that catch led to a height measurement.  1/4 inch in 7.5 weeks?  that might be why!  she'll be 13 in a minute too.

debates about spring breaks.  high school credits.  jobs and when to leave them.  THAT baby will be 17 in a blink.  time is drawing short.

tuesdays have been chaos since the carpool fell apart.  it's 9:16pm & dinner is still in the oven.  so what.  who cares?  there's no bus to meet at 5am.  schoolwork will hold for an extra hour while we sleep.  

time is fleeting and these babies aren't keeping.

not so long ago
but maybe longer than that
because as time flies faster and numbers rise
everything slips away into the fog

but at some point back there
when so much seemed
difficult
and gray
and black
and dull

i could curl up and cuddle with my words
seek my solace in their release
revel in the fleeting permanence
of their meanings
pour my pain out in paragraphs
and slip sadness into sentences

phrases and a jumble of syllables
absorbed my anger
and breathed into my bitterness
hope and promise of a
tomorrow that felt differently

but yesterday was 20 years ago
and i lost my box of language bandages
left behind in the daily business of 
everything and
everyone but
not ever enough me.

temporarily
until one day it showed up
peeking out from behind hurt feelings
and so i opened it back up
tore open a wrapper
and exhaled into the therapy of
lexicon

which welcomed me back with open arms
and said where've you been, old friend
welcome home
sad to see you but glad you're back.