Thursday, July 23, 2009

oh hell.

i TRIED to post this on the 20th. but stupid blogspot wouldn't cooperate. so here you have it...a few days late.

i finally made my way to the "old" neighborhood today. i think i had been avoiding it. a friend & a baby friend still live there & i should have been over there early the week after i got here so as to say my good byes to friend's husband who was leaving for a deployment. but jetlag & mommy brain put paid to that & with one thing and another, today was the first day i'd actually hit the neighborhood.

and the neighborhood hit me hard. i hadn't expected that being there would evoke much emotion. our life there wasn't that long & very full of work & kids & sports & things-so much so as to not seem to cause a strong attachment to home.

but somehow, driving down the road to the entrance caused pain to well up inside. and approaching the house that is still ours for all intents & purposes but will never be fully ours again as 2 families have made it their temporary home since we left, brought the pain bubbling almost to the surface. and it sat & simmered inside all the while i stayed & played with friend & baby friend.

that was the house we were supposed to stay in. to raise littlest in. to watch biggest & middlest journey off into the great wide world from. the house with the turtle room that was painted & push-pinned to death before littlest got to spend her few short months in it. the house with all our "stuff". stuff that has found new homes or been consigned to storage.

and now home is way over there. in another country. almost another world, what with all the hours we are apart from those we love.

home will probably be over there for another couple of years at least. and even after that, home still won't be home. home will be another succession of apartments separate from our lives over here. probably in at least one other country. probably with another succession of people that dart in & out of our lives with the rapidity that the military brings to things. here today, gone tomorrow.

how to not get too attached to people that form our daily lives? how to not get too attached to this place & that thing? how to ignore that tugging at the heartstrings that will occur every time we board another airplane, pace another bag, say another goodbye?

littlest has now spent 3/4 of her life in a foreign country. but to her it's not foreign. to her it is where her surprise is. where her toys are. where her dog-dog meets her at the door.

but this is home to me. and i'm trying hard to be the free-falling equivalent of a military wife. perfecting packing skills at a moment's notice. letting people into my heart while always knowing that when their time is up, i may never see them again. except to follow them on facebook or whichever social network next becomes the thing to do. forming opinions of characters at light speed-something i've never been good at doing with with months to work with. trusting people. trusting myself.

trying to keep the emotions at bay while always counting the calendar until the gate calls our name again makes it hard to enjoy the moment. anticipation makes me sluggish and wary of wasting time with the small things. i want it all & i want it big & i want it now. now before the time expires. now before the calendar runs out. now before it all runs away from me at top speed.

sometimes i wonder if i just shouldn't come home. better to stay over there in my loneliness than to skirt the pain of leaving again.

this is home. one day i'll come back. not soon enough.