and the cloud lifts...

i had gotten really close to the bottom. not like rock bottom where the druggies & such hang out but the bottom. feeling so low about lonely and homesick and way too much interaction with adolescents & toddlers and nowhere near enough with adults.

everything was suffering. NOT that i'm the nicest person in the world but whoa was i worse than usual. school wasn't getting the attention it needed-that is so bad for so many reasons. 1 probably wasn't feeling very loved around here. the house probably wasn't feeling very loved around here. i don't think anyone was feeling very loved around here. i just didn't much care about all that because i couldn't see around the black cloud that enveloped me in all ways.

and then i did that naked thing. (i'm not an elephant-see previous post). and had a good meeting with ladies who are of like-mind to me. (where someone prayed & thanked God for me as i have brought encouragement. me? encouraging? well, that's different!) and then went out & found a new restaurant. (is it ironic that i had NEVER had thai or indian food before i came to korea? i mean, wtf? guess when i get out of the box, i get out of the box!) and then had dinner with more lady friends where there was grown up conversation & laughter &, while there were kids in attendance, they weren't my kids so i wasn't the one putting kids back in seats & asking 7300 times about what they wanted to eat & reminding them to chew with their mouth shut & not poke their sister.

and i took a deep breath. and decided that maybe this place isn't so bad after all. and maybe there really is a reason i'm meant to be here. and that sometimes it is ok to let my guard down & put myself out there because not everyone is ugly. and that if sometimes i give it a chance, good things can happen. and it took me a year to become semi-satisfied with my current chapter but i think now i am. and now i can get back to a rhythm of life where everything isn't hopeless & cloudy & gray. and now everyone can have me back-me included. i've been in the hole before but last time it took some assistance to claw myself out. seems this time i've been able to do it on my own. maybe not quite on my own...let's say that i may have finally-after 32 years-discovered the power of prayer. and that i'm not ever truly alone. it took so long to get here...i think i'll stay for awhile.