i think i'm tired of this place. tired of restrictions. tired of appliances i can't read instructions for. tired of not being able to buy what i need when i need it. (a hook & eye latch or whatever you call them for our laundry room & bathroom doors...a glue gun with glue sticks...because for some reason, the PX sells the gun...2 whole racks of them! but are completely out of the 1 rack allocated to the sticks. perhaps i'm expected to just slaughter my own horse. if i could even find one in this damn country). tired of not being able to understand the language...this might be a problem come december 10th when the international services department doesn't open until 1 1/2 hours after i have to be there. tired of feeling out of place because me or my spouse is not one of the few, the proud...wait...that's the marines...but i think you get the point. who knew that in a room full to bursting with people, you could feel so damn alone?

i'm tired of feeling like i don't meet expectations. like i'm not the BEST homeschooler since i'm contemplating quitting it with biggest & middlest. like i'm not the BEST christian because sometimes i'd rather go out on the town rather than stay in. like i'm not the BEST mom because i lose my temper on occasion. like i'm not the BEST wife...for reasons i won't go into.

i struggle with this everyday because i feel like there's a mask i need to wear. a different one for different people. and one day i'm going to get mixed up & put the wrong mask on at the wrong time & the whole damn circus tent is going to fall down over my head, leaving me wrapped in red & white striped canvas, arms flailing for an escape, serving only to wrap me tighter in the trap of my own making, all the while wondering if i REALLY want to make my escape because then i'll have to meet the accusing eyes of the people who came to see one version of cirque de soleil but ended up with an offshoot & now they want a refund.

i think, right now, i just want to go home. not this home away from home where, at the rate we're going, i may be until i die. or lose my ever-loving-fucking mind. home. where i'm from. where my family is. where my friends are. where i speak the language. and there are no masks.